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The Perfect Stache

(Repost from 2017 after transferring from wix to wordpress)

 For those of you know me, you know that I have the occasional urge to grow questionable facial hair. For those of you who don’t know me, your loss. I have gotten a variety of responses when sporting a stache. Some people are more inquisitive with questions like “how long did that take you to grow?” A hefty few people, which includes my grandmother, express their disapproval by saying things like “that is disgusting” – thanks Nana, love you too. There are a good amount of supporters and if you’re a supporter of the stache read on and I will teach you how to grow your very own perfect stache.

          There are three things you need in order to get a beautiful wooly bear on your upper lip: testosterone, alcohol, and friends to support your poor decisions.

          The testosterone is pretty clear, the more of that shit you got pumping through your veins, the fiercer that facial hair will grow. If you lack testosterone, don’t worry, just get steroids, it’ll make your balls shrink but it will make you feel better about being less of a man because you’ll have big muscles.

           The second, and perhaps the most important item, alcohol. People will talk shit, but you’re a man. You don’t cry about it. You drink yourself into oblivion. I think it was Moses who first said “he who drinks away his sorrows, stays sad for only the first bottle.”

           Finally friends to support your bad decisions. You know exactly what friends these are, the ones who recognize when you’re way too drunk and pour you a shot of tequila. The friends who call you a pussy for not shotgunning a beer at 9 am on a Tuesday. These are the exact friends you need to be around when you’re growing facial hair. These are the friends who have supported you when you are doing something stupid.  Now you’re growing facial hair; you’re doing something stupid, and they will once again support you.

          You can’t wake up one morning and decide that you want a stache by noon, and if for some reason you can go baby’s bottom to Geico caveman in a few hours you should probably check webMD so they can tell you that you’re dying or go to your doctor, your call. Growing the perfect stache is like wooing a perfect woman, patience and confidence. (Also I just made up a statistic that says having the perfect stache helps you woo the perfect woman). Now there’s something important to recognize about this: there will be a period of time in which your face will look like buzz cut courtesy of Helen Keller. This looks a lot worse if you’re shaving everywhere but your upper lip. My pro tip is to grow the whole face until the mustache reaches maturity and then shave the rest to reveal the beautiful work of art that you have created over the past couple of weeks. This sets you up to do beautiful things with your face and not just your lip. Mutton chops, sideburns, goatee, whatever your heart desires.

          When you do finally get to the stage of shaving part of the beard off to make it more refined keep in mind less is more. Don’t go beard to stache… NEVER GO BEARD TO STACHE. You want to keep some chin action, maybe some side burn action and try it out. After a day or 2 reconsider, chip away at it one piece at a time, you can always bring it down to just the mustache if you don’t like it. Now go out there folks and make me proud.

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