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What not to watch on Netflix

(Repost from 2017 after transferring from wix to wordpress)

Fair Warning, this article will contain a shit ton of spoilers for I am the Pretty Thing that Lives in the House.  Do not keep reading if you plan on watching this movie, but in all honesty the movie is an absolute piece of garbage that no one should have to suffer through.  But, since I already have I will tell you why it’s shit.

          For starters the assholes at Netflix really lied to us with this one.  The movie was released on Netflix back in October with nearly a five star rating and if you check it out now it’s down to one fucking star.  Now I am not the type of person that only sees highly rated movies.  Hell I love trash movies like That’s My Boy and A Million Ways to Die in the West, so clearly my standards are not high.  However, this particular piece of garbage made a big mistake by giving me high expectations, when it was incapable of meeting the very floor of my expectations.

           The next one of the hundreds of flaws for this sad excuse for a film is that it was apparently a thriller.  Throughout the entire movie, aside from one confusing (I will come back to this later) 30 second scene, nothing happens.  The piece of shit is 89 minutes long.  We get 30 seconds of action and suspense and 88 minutes 30 seconds of nothing.  There is more suspense in the 1st inning of a regular season game between the fucking Braves and Padres then in the entirety of this “thriller”.

Next is the director’s absolute garbage decision making. Hey Osgood Perkins if you read this, even though I know you won’t because I have 4 readers and one of them is my little brother (Hi Jimmy), Fuck You.  The man would cut back to the blurred image of a ghost that may or may not have had its back turned like every 13 minutes.  It was to the point where I actually had to check if my contacts had fallen out because I assumed a professionally produced movie wouldn’t have such crappy resolution.  I understand that there was some artistic purpose behind it, but it wasn’t artsy and it wasn’t cool.  All it was was annoying as hell.

          Now on to the god awful plot of this crap-fest.  Literally the whole movie is a woman (the narrator) moves into the house of this senile old author bitch to become her live in aid. She tells us at the very beginning she will die within a year so that pretty much ruins all the suspense of that.  Some weird shit start happening and it turns out the place it haunted.  Apparently way back when some young woman was murdered there.  Her corpse was tossed into the walls and now she haunts the house. At some point in the past the ghost communicated with the old writer bitch and the bitch wrote a story about the ghost.  Our narrator reads the book finds out about the woman who died there.

        Eventually she sees the ghost and the sight literally scares her to death.  Without a caretaker the author bitch dies.  The end.  Now does that not sound like a dumb fucking plot to a movie or what?

Now I know what some of you are think. “Oh boring plot? Perfect for Netflix and chill.”     That right there is incorrect my friend.  And the reason for that is because of those thirty seconds of action.  It shows the young woman (pre-dead ghost) being brutally murdered by her new husband for no apparent reason.  Literally no  explanation whatsoever as to why he kills her and throws her down a murder chute that he apparently built into the house.  The guy then goes full sociopath and seals it off with a wall so there is a corpse just chilling behind a wall until it will inevitably decompose. The man meticulously plotted to kill his wife in their new house without any motive.  Doubt that’ll put your girl in the mood.

          And if all that isn’t enough to make you never watch this sad excuse for a piece of cinema than check out this random chair on the ceiling.  No it’s not the ghost doing it.  No attention is ever called to it.  Apparently that chair just goes there.

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