As social distancing continues and the reopening of bars are nowhere in sight, it is our duty to keep drinking. Months ago this seemed easy. Work remotely and stay sober enough to click a zoom link? I can do that no problem. But as time has gone on our dedication to inebriation as waned. We can not allow this to happen. Our binge drinking is the only thing keeping us sane. If you need motivation to drink on this fine June 18th then I am here to provide it.
Today, drink to celebrate The Battle of Waterloo: Napoleon Bonaparte’s defeat. What is more American than drinking in celebration of French failures? There definitely is something, but I sure as hell can not think of anything right now. Napoleon got dicked on by the British with significant assistance from the Dutch, Germans, and Belgians. Dipshit tried to fucking conquer the world and failed. Fucking classic. (I mean we do have Napoleon to think for selling us the land that is now Louisiana, Missouri, Arkansas, Iowa, North Dakota, South Dakota, Nebraska, Oklahoma and land that makes up a lot of Kansas, Colorado, Wyoming, Montana, and Minnesota. But honestly are these states even a positive? Absolutely useless places if you ask me, so I am all on board with team fuck Napoleon).
How do we commemorate this French military failure? I am glad you asked. The answer is obviously drinking, but here are some beverages to get you hammered while uniquely honoring the day:
1.) Bloody Mary with special garish
Now if you want to start things early (which I highly encourage) then you should start off with a morning beverage. The “Bloody” part represents all the lives lost in the battle. The unique garnish? Instead of celery use a bread stick. If anyone asks why you have a bread stick then argue with them that it is a mini baguette. In this argument do not be like the French (this means you should win).
2.) Needlessly mixed together wine
Take a bottle of french when. Take a box of Franzia. Miz them together. Is this wasteful of the expensive French wine? Yes. Does it taste good? No. Should you try it? Honestly? Probably not, wine sucks enough already.
3.) Your favorite liquor and seltzer
Take your favorite liquor and mix it with Waterloo seltzer (They sell it at Target. It is not expensive). It literally in the name on this one. Not really much more to explain here.
4.) Shitty Light Beer
It is never a bad time to drink shitty light beer.
That is all I have on this one go get drunk. I really do not care if you honor my drink suggestions. What matters it that you drink and you do it in excess.